Dating Someone with Major Depression: Cultivating Understanding and Acceptance

Putting yourself first doesn’t mean neglecting your partner’s needs—it just means addressing them in adaptive ways. Just because something feels right doesn’t mean it is good for your mental health or the relationship as a whole.

Some important things to keep in mind:

Don’t take their symptoms personally.

Remember that your partner is struggling with an illness that makes them persistently unhappy. This can affect their mood, energy levels, and sleeping habits, among other things. “I used to get so mad when I would come home and the garbage hadn’t been taken out and the dishes hadn’t been washed. It’s so easy to see it as laziness and not what it really is,” Shari remembers. “Sometimes I still get frustrated. But I know that he’s doing his best, and so am I. He doesn’t forget because he’s lazy or doesn’t care. If anything, it’s like he cares too much.”

It’s important not to feel personally attacked if they seem down or unattached to the relationship. It can be hard, especially on the worst days, to see through the mental fog of depression and be fully present and engaged, even with the person you love most. Instead of being offended or chastising your partner for their distraction, try to focus on investing positive energy into strengthening your bond and supporting them on their healing journey.

Don’t try to “fix” your partner.

No matter how many times you argue with them, trying to convince them that they’re actually incredible despite their negative thoughts, your partner is not suddenly going to wake up one day and be “cured” by the force of your will and your positivity. Repeating the same arguments over and over may cause a sense of disconnect that weakens your bond, while constantly challenging their depression may inadvertently result in generating feelings of guilt in your partner when they feel they cannot live up to your hopes and expectations.

As Shari points out, “For every answer you think you have, they can see another problem. That’s the trick of depression—it traps a person into thinking there’s no way out, even when the exit sign is so clear to everyone around you.”  Instead of trying to logic your partner’s depression into nonexistence, focus instead on supporting and accepting them and their struggle. Let them know that you are there for them, and that their feelings are legitimate and real, and that you are there to listen if they need to talk.

If your partner is not already in a mental health treatment program, consider talking to them about the possibilities of healing with professional medical support. You may not be a trained psychologist or psychiatrist, but in a residential treatment facility, your loved one will have access to an entire team of medical professionals with years of experience helping others suffering from major depression and other illnesses find their way out of the dark and navigate toward a brighter, healthier future. Take care to be open, not prescriptive—focus on how major depression treatment can help your partner, not on why you think they have to try it. Presenting it as an opportunity for healing, rather than a last resort in an otherwise hopeless situation, can make all the difference in helping your loved one find their own motivation to seek help and begin to recover.

Learning to support your partner while they struggle with depression will help them recover. And by helping them during through this process, you’re also helping the relationship and yourself. Remember: depression affects both people in the relationship.

With that being said, you also need to set boundaries and focus on your own well-being. “Depression isn’t just hard on the person who has it. It’s hard on both of you, and it’s hard on the relationship itself,” says Shari. “It took me awhile to figure it out, but it’s okay to admit that you’re having a tough time. It’s okay to admit you need support, too.”

• Family or couples therapy is a great way to engage in counseling that will help you work through conflicts and deepen your bond with your partner. This is especially important for those that have trouble expressing their feelings with their depressed partner. You might feel guilty about burdening them with your problem or scared that you will negatively impact their mental well-being. In a therapeutic setting, you will have the opportunity to express yourself without these fears.
• Individual therapy is just as important. While couples therapy can be a crucial part of recovery for you and your partner, you need your one-on-one time as much as they do. Give yourself time to express your personal problems and fears outside of the context of your relationship. Not only is this important for you, it will help you better cope and support a partner struggling with depression.
• Taking a break. Although it’s probably not something you want to consider, sometimes time apart is necessary. If your partner is at a point where they need to walk their road to recovery alone, or the stress is too much for you, you might need to take a break from your relationship. As difficult as this can be, remaining connected to the therapists and psychiatrists that you meet during your time with your partner can make all the difference.