Top 9 Things to Consider When Dating Someone With Depression

Everyone feels sad from time to time, but depression is different than normal mood fluctuations. It is pervasive and disruptive and compromises one’s ability to engage in life the way they want. Understanding the reality of depression is vital to being a good ally as you embark on your relationship. Educate yourself about the illness; there are endless online resources where you can read about depression from both medical and personal standpoints to help you gain a deeper understanding of what the illness looks and feels like. Also, remember that each person’s experience is unique and take care not to make assumptions about the person you’re dating. Instead, ask them about their experience and respect their boundaries.

Depression can profoundly interfere with someone’s ability to participate in normal activities. Its unpredictability means that they may really mean to go out with you on Saturday, but by the time Saturday comes, their mood has shifted and they can’t get out of bed. This is not because they’re not trying hard enough or because they’re flaky, it’s because they are experiencing a painful psychological illness that compromises their functionality. Don’t blame or shame them for breaking plans. Stay flexible and consider activities that are within their comfort zone. Instead of going out to dinner, have a nice meal at home. Instead of going to that party, stay in and watch movies. Sometimes they may simply not be up for socializing at all and need some alone time; try to be respectful of their needs without taking it personally.

When you’re dating someone with depression, it’s normal to wonder if you have done something wrong when they are upset. However, depression isn’t about you. Depression is a complex illness that affects mood in myriad ways. While environmental factors can indeed play a part, convincing yourself that their mood disturbances are the result of your actions not only makes you feel terrible, it also makes the person you’re dating feel misunderstood. Recognizing their illness for what it is is essential to being an ally.

It’s important to recognize that the person you’re dating has thoughts and feelings unrelated to their illness and that may include legitimate grievances about your relationship. Discounting their feelings by automatically attributing them to depression only serves to hinder honest conversation and emotional connection. If the person you’re dating is expressing discontent with your relationship or your actions, don’t immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s their illness talking; listen and reflect on what they are saying. Invalidating their feelings by always thinking it’s the depression talking is likely to push them away and make them feel powerless.

You cannot fix someone’s depression. It is heartbreaking to see someone you care about in pain, and your natural reaction is probably to try to make it all okay. But depression is not cured by love or kindness. It’s also not cured by suggestions that they just take a 30 minute walk every day or try that herbal supplement you read about on the way to work or listen to that one TED talk that really changed your perspective on life. The truth is that there are no quick fixes for depression.

However, there are many things you can do to support someone struggling with depression. Figuring out what those things are requires open communication. Ask them what they need from you to make them feel supported. Ask them what their triggers are, what they do to cope, and what part they want you to play in their coping strategies. What helps them may be very different than what helps someone else and honoring their individual needs is important, even when what they need is to not have you do anything at all.

Allow the person you are dating to have their feelings. It can be tempting for people with depression to hide their emotions because they don’t want to disappoint you or be a burden, especially if you have gone out of your way to try to make them feel better. Make sure they know that you don’t see their illness as a personal fault and that it’s okay to feel however it is they feel, even if they’re not sure exactly what the feeling is. “I can’t always explain why I feel how I feel, so talking through the feelings like a normal couple might is sometimes twice as frustrating,” says Anna Breslaw. “It’s not like ‘Oh! I feel sad because XYZ happened. Mystery solved!’ It’s more like, ‘I basically feel awful about everything right now no matter what I do, and there’s no external cause that’s causing it, therefore, let me sleep.’”

Both depression and depression treatments can affect a person’s sex drive and ability to enjoy sex. These effects can be very frustrating and even embarrassing for the person you’re dating and they may fear that you will cut off the relationship as a result. Being open and understanding about these issues is vital to nurturing your relationship.

When you’re dating someone who has depression, it can be easy to believe that your own needs, wants, and problems have to take a backseat. After all, your bad day at work seems like nothing compared to mental illness. But the fact is that everyone is going through the ups and downs of life and it’s okay to feel sad or happy or angry or disappointed or any other way you may be feeling because that is part of the human experience. You cannot turn it off because your partner is depressed, nor should you have to.

Make sure you have your own supports in place that give you space to express yourself, such as friends, family, and support groups. At the same time, don’t be afraid of sharing your authentic self with the person you’re dating. Sure, if they’re in the midst of extreme depression it may not be the time to talk about how upset you are that the barista got your coffee order wrong, but make sure there is room for you in your relationship. That includes acknowledging your feelings about your partner’s depression. “Sometimes you’re going to hurt. Sometimes, you won’t be able to handle it, and you feel like you need to hide it from your loved one,” writes Hope Racine. “Don’t. Express to them that this is hard, but you’re in it with them. Find a healthy way to get the stress out.”