What to Do When Your Brother or Sister is Suicidal: How to Support a Sibling in Crisis

The sibling relationship is perhaps the most complex one we have to navigate. They are almost certainly the closest people in your life whom you did not choose. You grow up together and will always be part of each other’s lives in one way or another.

Of course, sometimes that closeness can lead to difficult dynamics. There’s the sibling who is the favorite, and they are resented, and there is the one who no one really understands and who is overlooked. The thing is, in just about every family, every kid assumes they are the overlooked one, and all the other siblings are favored.

That’s part of life, but it is a part that can linger on for decades. That’s why it can sometimes be hard to recognize when a brother or sister is suicidal. Their behaviors and actions are filtered through a lens often clouded with suspicion and resentment, even if it is entirely sublimated. You might think they are indulging a facetious condition (even though that, too, is a disorder which needs treatment).

It’s easy to just tell a family member to “get over it,” but that’s ultimately not helpful. The important thing to do if you think a brother or sister might be suicidal is to take a step back and look at their actions not from the lens of your own childhood, but through the reality of their current situation. Here are a few warning signs to which you should pay attention:

• Changes in behavior. This includes withdrawing from family and social circles, alterations in personal interactions, and loss of interest in activities.
• Direct or indirect verbal expressions. When siblings say “I wish I were dead” or “Things would be better without me,” don’t just think they are being dramatic. They may mean it.
• Self-harm. This can include anything from abuse of drugs and alcohol, to rapidly gaining or losing weight, to self-mutilation.
• Prior suicide attempts. This is, of course, an obvious tell, but we often dismiss unsuccessful suicide attempts as a call for attention. In fact, they are exactly that—they are a way of signaling to others that the person is in pain and needs help.
• Making final arrangements. Obsessively talking about a will, giving away valuable possessions, preparing people for life after them is often a sign of suicidal thoughts.

These can be hard to recognize in a sibling, because over the years you have probably seen every aspect of their behavior at one time or another, and can chalk anything up to—as Rebekah would put it—“Scott being Scott”. But it is important to look beyond your assumptions and recognize the actual problems they are having and the pain they are feeling.

There are some possible genetic or demographic possibilities for a sibling with suicidal behavior. Studies have shown that younger siblings are more likely to be suicidal. But remember that everyone can be, which means that everyone might be called on to be a source of support.

So what can you do to support your loved one? How can you help? How can you cut through the negative family dynamics to bring out the positive? Unsurprisingly, it starts with listening.

1. Ask if you can talk. Show that you notice what they are going through. Tell them that you have recognized they have been changing. Demonstrate that you actually care.
2. Listen to your sibling. One thing that most suicidal people feel is that no one cares about them, and so it doesn’t matter if they live or die. Just approaching your sibling and offering to talk is important—as long as you are prepared to properly listen.
3. Be patient. Not everyone wants to talk right away. There may be pushback or even anger. But continuing to be there demonstrates true commitment.
4. Don’t judge or be angry. The last thing anyone needs is to be told that they are acting badly or letting anyone down. That’s part of the problem. Being open to your sibling, and letting them know that their feelings are valid and not a source of shame, can help to establish further trust and communication.
5. Don’t agree to keep it a secret. While respecting their privacy is important, remember that you aren’t a trained health professional. Get advice from people who know what they are doing. Talk to other friends or loved ones who can support you, since this is an emotional toll on you as well. And prepare your sibling for help. You are a valuable source of love and support, but do not try to take on the burden of their pain alone. You owe it to yourself—and to your sibling—to ensure they have all the support they need to get through this, and that includes expert help.
6. Talk to your sibling about seeking treatment. This is the end goal of establishing trust. They need to be able to follow your advice because they know that you have their best interests in mind, and that you love them. Showing that you love them, and that you don’t judge them, helps open them to the knowledge that they will be met with love and acceptance when getting help.